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Then I had Brain Surgery

 "He . . . binds up their wounds." (Ps147:3) This is me coming home from the following adventure... Remember when I told you I was going to be able to delay the need to have brain surgery? Just kidding!  On Monday March 7th, I had a seizure at home which resulted in a fall.  That night, Kendra and I decided that it wasn't a good idea for her to have to manage this situation at home, wondering if I might have another seizure and / or fall, So she took me to the ER at UCLA, where I got a fresh MRI of my brain.   The MRI showed that two tumors which had received radiation a few weeks prior had grown in size (#notallowed).  This growth led the brain experts (is it just me or do others agree that “Brain Expert” would be a cool thing to have on a business card?) to conclude that the seizure had probably been caused by these enlarged tumors (also #notallowed).  Prior plans to put off surgery?  Cancelled.  These free loaders have been given enough ...
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Post to tell you there's nothing to tell you

"They who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary."  (Isaiah 40:31)

Dear family and friends,

I don't want to be the occasion of the sin of envy for you, but I got to have another barium smoothie today.  #cancerperks


Beyond that, there's very little to tell.  The CT scan images are in a computer somewhere (#INthecomputer) and we probably won't hear anything until Monday.  And so we wait and work on the spirit of patience.

During the first go-around and in this one, I've gotten used to waiting.  A friend whose wife has been going through cancer for about the same 10-year period that I've had it gave me good advice when we learned that my cancer was back.  He encouraged me not to become fixated on "the next scan," thinking that if it's good news, we'll be able to calm down/be at peace/focus on work/focus on family responsibilities/etc.  That's a "things will be better when..." attitude.  What about those things that are good right now?  Should I risk missing out on them because I'm wound up about scan results that are going to say whatever they're going to say?  They're either going to be good, bad or indifferent, and "which of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his span of life?"  (Mt 6:27)  I just don't want to be in my own head that much.

I get asked a lot how I'm doing mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  It could be the fact that I feel normal, but I have almost no anxiety about this whole situation.  I am grateful for today and for any good and bad that comes with it.   I just don't see that I have any other option than to pray like crazy, ask the same from you, and then abandon myself to the will of God while living life exactly the same.  "But how are you able to do that?" is the question I sense is in the air and which I have been asked by a few friends.  The short answer is that I believe it comes down to a set of spiritual practices, key among which are daily prayer and spiritual direction (coaching) every few weeks.  I think I'm going to have to leave the details for another time - fading fast at the end of a long week.  But I'll sleep easy knowing that God can take better care of me and my family than I ever could.  So I can wait till Monday.

With fortitude and prayers for you,

Jim


Comments

  1. fadfdJuly 27, 2018 at 10:21 PM

    At the end, surrendering our day with the trust that His will over our lives is a whole lot better than anything we can imagine for ourselves; that is peace. May the blessings of God continue to fill your day and that of your family.

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  2. SarahJuly 28, 2018 at 8:04 AM

    Your words are nuggets of wisdom. I'm learning so much from your journey and applying it to my own particular cross. Bless you and your family!

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    Replies
    1. FortitudineJuly 28, 2018 at 10:12 AM

      Thanks, Sarah. I've plagiarized it all from others, too, so apply away!

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  3. UnknownJuly 28, 2018 at 2:12 PM

    Excellent attitude and advice. I'd expect nothing less from you, Jim. Thank you.

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  4. Katie HeathJuly 28, 2018 at 4:22 PM

    Barium Smoothie...you were wise to warn us about an occasion of sin of envy...I am very envious!;) You are so right to have that beautiful way of surrendering to God. Really, it is all we can do. Be assured of my prayers!

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  5. KristiJuly 28, 2018 at 9:55 PM

    God bless you and thank you for the update. I meant to comment a long time ago on a post where you described Lulu's cheerful 4-year-old optimism about everything and I was thinking YES, I have a four-year-old who has moments like that! It was all so sweet and inspiring. I hope you get good news this week and am also glad you have such great perspective on appreciating "the now."

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